I'm a Mom Again!

After 15 years of an off and on relationship with my oldest son, he has come back home. Literally.

While on his journey since he's been 18, he has become a heroin addict. Full. Blown. Addict. It was hard to hear, although I knew a little bit about it. We've sent money when they were in a bind thinking he wouldn't spend our money on...that. But they did. 

I. Am. Full. Blown. Depressed. I'm physically ill. I'm a stinkin' mess.

My kid, my precious son who everyone liked, and they loved back, is addicted to a street drug that routinely kills men like him EVERY DAY. That's a hard thing to know.

So he is here with us, dependent for everything with us. And even though that should level the playing field, I assure you that it does not. It's more lopsided than ever.

Have you ever been on the other side of addiction? I wish I could say this isn't my first rodeo, but it is not. You'd think I would know the signs, maybe I ignored them...maybe I'm in denial. The one difference between he and I is that I've never been weak with drugs. I never understood the so-called addiction with them. But be that as it may, the elephant is in the room for the foreseeable future.

My head hurts. I cry A LOT. I am discouraged. I'm afraid for my marriage. I'm even more afraid of our immediate financial future. I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO. And then there is GOD. 

Like the song says, without Him I can do NOTHING. But this...is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know all the answers even though he's not ready to hear it or do it or even care about it. Addiction is a very selfish affliction that affects EVERYONE around them, all the time. Addiction is trying to take his life.

What I want to do is mother him. It was a hard thing to take him to a doctor and not be privy to the conversation or visit. As a mom, we take these things for granted when they're little. When they get to be full grown men, I'm just a bystander to the doctors and rehab facilities. What can I do? NOT ONE THING.

PRAY. I have to pray more. I have to trust God more. I have to consider everything differently. Because I'm a new mom again.